not up for the task

this past sunday morning was a rough time on the job for me. have you ever felt like you’re not up for the task? in general i feel as though my job lines up pretty dead on with my passions, gifts, and experience. but sunday morning, i was tempted to fake a heart attack rather than step out under the lights. i might be overstating this a little.

here’s the deal. i’m a fairly low key individual. several people at different times in my life, independent of each other, have given me the nickname “even stephen”.

the truth is that i’m a melancholy personality.

the upside is that i can provide balance in tense interpersonal situations. i can keep a calm exterior even if the interior is experiencing turbulence.

the downside is that i am prone to too much introspection. sometimes i speak hope, but stuff doubt. i’ve seen a therapist to explore whether i suffer from depression.

as it relates to my job - sometimes i want to be stephen the almost invisible anonymous worshipper, rather than stephen the public big church worship leader.

this past sunday i was feeling as though the particular worship set that i had planned - one song in particular - required a type of leadership and an energy level from me that doesn’t come naturally to me. i’m growing, but i have always felt more comfortable in a low key style of worship leading. this is not a debate about which style - chill or hype - is a better worship leading style. i think both have their place at different times.

the question for me was the tension between rising to the occasion, risking as a leader for the sake of serving people……versus……trying to be someone i’m not, or trying to fake something that i’m not feeling in the moment.

fortunately, i followed my gut (or was it God’s spirit) and fessed up to the worship band before the service. we prayed together for peace, confidence, and a resolve to serve faithfully.

it’s not the size or the amount of the gift that you bring, but that you are willing to give it all. holding nothing back.

i didn’t hold back. it was good. i didn’t feel fake. i felt faithful.